was this part of the plan?
I understand that there is an expectation to have a moral compass, that engaging in certain behavior is detrimental to your health and, from a sociological standpoint, can derail your livelihood. A livelihood that I can agree has the potential to be ideal, but one that I did not choose.
I understand that one must do the work to align spiritually with our higher self, to become one and whole. Well, I can grasp this as a concept, but I don’t know that I truly understand the meaning of this. Not completely, or at least not enough to drive me.
I feel fatigued, drained, and frankly disinterested. Whose idea was this? Was this even an idea? What is there to gain? Salvation? Why must I do the work to be saved from a game that I did not choose? Who decided that the “fruits of my labor” will be my reward? Whose idea was it for life to be laborious, to be painful, and that through the misery, moments of joy shall be a life force, scarce and earned and met with gratitude; complete gratitude regardless of the boundless, abundant misery one must feel.
Yes, I understand that we are powerful; that we are creators, and much of our misery could be traced back to our own actions and behaviors, but isn’t that the game, the game I did not choose to play? The game where you must try to win against all odds. The game with no universal objection other than to know, to learn, to observe, to create. A game with no single set of rules to be followed, though many have created and perpetuated their own, fools. A game with no victor.
A game that wasn’t supposed to be a game. Maybe it wasn’t even supposed to be salvation. Only meant to be experienced, to learn from that experience, an experience designed to bring peace and fulfillment the more that you grow. An experience that did not have to be earned but merely observed, felt, and created.
I understand that I am exhausted, drained by just trying to earn the bare minimum to exist, and I am numb to the experience with a lack of peace to grow and feel fulfilled. So, what now? Was this part of the plan? Am I to blame for my lack of interest, for my fatigue?